2018
Pondering Love (F>Journal folder in Drive)
Love/Relationships (Platonic and otherwise) I used to think I had an innate understanding of love. Now I realize I KNOW nothing. I used to think of love in almost the same way as a religious practitioner thinks of their god, or gods. Love was just an immeasurable, unobservable force of energy that ensnared our beings with people we were fated to connect with, and maybe it is. But my current state of openness, and earning to understand my emotions further, has only complicated my understanding of love beyond repair(amongst other emotions). I could rattle off a couple pages of theories my feeble mind has constructed. I could play around with 100 more thought experiments, desperately attempting to assimilate a steadfast footing from which to climb to the next step of understanding. But at the end of the day, does any of it really matter. It feels good to love. I feels bad to withdraw, and avoid human connection. To be continnued…
Door Dream(Nightmare?)
**I opened my eyes. I found myself enveloped by utter darkness. I moved my hand in front of my face and noticed no changes in my field of vision. Suddenly panic washed over my body as if ice cold water had been poured down my spine. I started to run. My feet moved beneath my body, but there was no resistance from the ground beneath me. I couldn’t tell if I was moving at all. What was in the darkness? Was I alone? As these terrifying questions bombarded my mind over and over again, something came to my attention in my peripheral. I looked to my left. Just barely visible, a faint yellow glow shown in the distance. I started sprinting towards the light. There was still no resistance from the ground beneath me, but I could tell I was in fact closing distance between me, and whatever I was I was running towards. I had no idea what this faint yellow glow could be, but it gave me something to focus on, other than the nightmare scenarios that kept racing through my head.
After what felt like an eternity, the light began to take on the shape of a rectangle. I approached the rectangle, and the panic seesed. The orange light was emanating from the seams of a door. I couldn’t make out any details of the door in the intense darkness that still surrounded me, but I reached of the handle anyway. I felt the cold metal fill my palm, but just as I began to turn the knob my surroundings changed.**
Ramblings about consciousness & communication
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No one experiences life in the same reality. On the surface level (One who is of sound health, and able bodied, navigates and experiences this world far differently than someone wheelchair bound, or terminally ill.) up to a cosmic scale (How we experience color, music, emotions, feelings.) No matter the words at our disposal, you cannot accurately convey, measure, or quantify what it is to feel an emotion. What color a tree is, sure green, but there is no way of knowing whether or not your green is experienced in the same way I was taught red was. We can only ever experience, and preserve this world as we do. Simply.
Then! We have to try our best to navigate thisbworld woth a bunch of other people, living on the same plane of existance, but in entirely different realities. Everyone is the main character, in there own story, in a story where everyone is also the main character. Like jesus, no wonder things are so difficult. (Our level of communication is limited simply by our biology. Talking is our very best chance at experesing emotion, and that is simply air being pushed out of our body through a muscle that tences and relaxes, passig vibrations through our mouth while it open and closes as our oddly dextrious toung flicks about in different patterns depending on what your trying to convey, and what language your speaking. Like thats outr best bet at conveying what heartbreak, love, dispare, and bliss feel like. Writing slows things down, but thats limited to however many letter you have in your alphabet, and how many patterns you have learned you can put them in.)
Unprecedented Transparency